1. Heart burn.
2. I can’t reach the tap on the kitchen sink with the usual ease.
3. Getting up from kneeling to standing from picking up stray Lego is painful.
4. There are no new sleeping positions to try, contrary to expert advice. There’s only your right side, left side and on your back. All equally uncomfortable.
5. Getting punched in the rib cage. I actually feel winded when the baby lands a proper punch or kick. Every night’s like being in a pub brawl – not that I’ve ever experienced one.
6. Heart burn (Hmmm. Deja vu.)
7. No alcohol. How does one get through the school holidays?
8. No caffeine. How does one get through the day?
9. You can’t sit down properly at the late stages of pregnancy. Especially when the baby’s engaged.
10. Heart burn (Oh. Did I already say that?)
11. I have baby brain and forget things.
12. I can’t breathe properly. Not when the baby’s wedged up well and good, squashing my internal organs.
13. A weak bladder. This must be what it’s like when I’m old.
14. I’m always miscalculating how much space I need. Imagine driving a Volkswagen for many years and you’re now driving a white van. I can’t get right how much parking space I need.
15. Leaving an extra 30 minutes early for any meeting because it takes me so much longer to waddle to and from the bus stop or tube station.
16. Crying for no obvious reason. It can be Mary Poppins on TV and I’d still find something to sob about.
17. The depression that takes you by surprise. I have no explanation for this other than I’m prone to it.
18. I look at my 38 week bump and am amazed at the size of it. How on earth is this, something the size of a basketball, coming out?
There are so many design errors to the nine months of pregnancy, and yet women throughout the generations put themselves through it time and again.
Then there’s the aftermath to look forward to. Life will be changed forever. Ah… The sleepless nights, the relentless feeding, the neverending pile of laundry. Oh joy.